Family IVF

First ICSI Cycle Continued – Journal Entries

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Here are some more journal entries from our first ICSI cycle in September2014.

Wednesday 17th September

Today is my mum’s birthday and embryo transfer day!

We couldn’t have asked for a better result with our embryos! The embryologist took us into a little room to discuss our embryos and I was so nervous! I was so worried we were going to be told that all 9 embryos had arrested, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth!

All 9 embryos made it to the expanded blastocyst stage, which is exactly how far they should have developed by day 5!

Four of the embryos were top grade – 4AA – so one of those was transferred. The transfer itself was horrible! It really hurt because my cervix apparently curved, so our consultant had to use some kind of torture device to hold it in place! The important thing is that the embryo was safely transferred and is hopefully snuggling in for the long haul. I have to test on the 28th, so all I can do is wait and see!

The other embryos were all good, too! I think 4 of them were rated 4BA and 1 was 4BB. The embryologist and consultant were both really impressed – they said this cycle had gone really well and it’s really rare to get such a good result! They weren’t sure, but thought we’d have 7 to freeze!! I’m going to call tomorrow to get it confirmed!

My acupuncturist said she’s been doing IVF acupuncture for 11 years and only had one other lady with such a good embryo result! To get 9 blastocysts from 9 fertilised eggs is amazing!

Mr Becca has been so wonderful, taking care of me! I really hope this cycle works, because he’ll be a great dad!

I was feeling really negative about this cycle because of my lining. But knowing that we have great quality frozen embryos as a back up plan makes me feel like we’ve made the right decision by going ahead with a fresh transfer. Who knows? Maybe this little blastocyst won’t have any trouble implanting into my thin lining and in 2 weeks, I’ll be pregnant! Right now, being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) is a lovely feeling so far, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll try again and will know we need to do something about my lining!

The plan is to rest, but remain a little bit active and do things as normally as possible while I wait to test!

Come on little blastocyst! I want to meet you so badly! Hang on in there!!

Monday 22nd September

It’s been an emotional few days. I spoke to the embryologist on Thursday and he confirmed that 7 embryos were frozen. 3x 4AA, 3x 4BA and 1x 4BB. We’re so pleased. It means we have options for the future and, unfortunately, I think we’re going to need them.

I was feeling really positive, but today I feel like my period is on it’s way. I’m trying to stay hopeful, but it’s really hard. I didn’t help matters by doing a pregnancy test. I’m 5 days post 5 day transfer (5dp5dt), so it’s still very early, but lots of women get positive tests by now. I’m not one of them. I wish I didn’t test. It’s left me feeling really negative, like it’s already over. There’s still another 6 days until our Official Test Day (OTD) but I’m finding it hard to stay hopeful. I’ve had a few symptoms. They could be caused by early pregnancy, but they could also be caused by the progesterone pessaries I’m using twice a day. My breasts are sore, my back is sore, I’m bloated and spotty and I can’t sleep, despite being tired all the time.

Wednesday 24th September 2014

Today is 7dp5dt and tests are still negative. It’s really unlikely that the IVF has worked. In fact, I know it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today crying. I’ve never felt so empty or so heartbroken. All I want is to be a mum. I don’t understand why something that is so easy for so many people is apparently impossible for me! It’s just not fair and my heart can’t take it! I’ve lost all hope for a positive test on Sunday. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get up on Monday and go to work and pretend to be OK.

Why is this happening to me? I feel like it’s all my fault. We put the best possible quality blastocyst into my sub quality uterus with sub quality lining. I feel like I’ve let Mr Becca down, because I couldn’t make our embryo stay.

I’ve decided I’m going to pay for tests to see if hidden infections are causing my thin lining. The process is a bit disgusting. I have to send a sample of my period blood to a clinic in Greece, who will test it and email me the results. If the tests are positive, Mr Becca and I will both have to take antibiotics for about a month to try and clear it. Hopefully, it’ll give us an answer as to why my lining is so thin and why my periods are so short and light.

I’m too scared to try another cycle of IVF without doing something about my lining. I don’t want to waste another beautiful embryo. I just want to be a mum and, right now, it feels like I never will be.

Everyone keeps telling me to stay hopeful and that this cycle might have worked. They don’t know that I’ve already tested and know that it hasn’t worked. I can’t tell them and I don’t really know why. I think part of me wants everyone else to have hope, because I don’t. Maybe if everyone else thinks it might work, I’ll be wrong and the test on Sunday will be positive after all. I would give up everything I own for that to be the case. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

Sunday 28th September

Officially not pregnant. Again.

Our First ICSI Cycle Continued - Journal Entries

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