Some posts on BeccaBlogsItOut.com may contain affiliate links. This means that if you click those links and register or make a purchase, I might receive a commission, at no extra cost to you. Please see my Policies page for further information. Thank you so much for your support!
Things didn’t exactly go to plan after our second cycle.
Firstly, my wonderful friend – who had already been through so much heartache – had an early miscarriage and her Christmas miracle was taken away from her. I felt so helpless – I wanted to be there to support her, but I was struggling so badly myself and part of me felt guilty! Although I had been over the moon for her when she got her BFP (big fat positive), I felt like I had been selfish by thinking about how lonely I would be without her to go through this journey with.
I felt like I had brought the bad luck to her by not being happy enough for her. I know now that this was ridiculous – nothing I thought, said or did would have made any difference to the outcome – but I was in a very dark place and I managed to convince myself that I was bad luck – both to myself and to everyone else around me.
Looking back, it’s easy to see now how depressed I was. It took me a while to realise it at the time though. I really struggled with both depression and anxiety and I needed help. I had weekly sessions with the IVF counsellor at our fertility clinic and I got myself referred for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which really helped me challenge the way I was thinking and made me look at things differently.
To anyone who’s in a similar dark place, please ask for help. My GP was very supportive about my wish to overcome my depression and anxiety without medication and I was able to access the help I needed to do that.
It was hard to accept, but I wasn’t ready to do another cycle in March. After doing two cycles back to back, I needed a break – both physically and emotionally. I also needed to find out what was wrong with my lining. I couldn’t put myself through it all over again without answers. Not that I ended up getting many of those…
The hysteroscopy came back “normal” (there’s that awful word again)! After a very painful outpatients attempt, where they couldn’t get the camera through my awkward bendy cervix to have a decent look at my uterus, I had to have it done under general anaesthetic. Still bloody normal! No physical reason why my lining was so thin! The hidden infection tests came back negative too, by the way.
We did find out, after more blood tests, that I have an underactive thyroid, which can cause fertility problems, so we started treating that.
After 6 months, in June 2015, I finally felt like I had a handle on my mental health and that I had recovered enough to try again.