Today is not a good mental health day for me. I have struggled with depression and anxiety, on and off, for most of my adult life, but especially since going through IVF. Everyone has days when they don’t want to get out of bed, right? When you’re dealing with depression and anxiety, those days happen more frequently. Unfortunately, being a mum with depression and anxiety means that I don’t get to stay in bed all day and shut out the rest of the world.
I used to think that finally getting pregnant would “fix” me. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I spent most of my pregnancy trying to not let my anxiety get the better of me. I refused to take medication while I was pregnant. I’m aware that there are medications that are believed to be safe during pregnancy and I would never recommend that anyone try to deal with mental health issues on their own, but I didn’t feel like that was the best option for me. My anxiety convinced me that after all the medical help we needed to get pregnant, I needed to avoid putting more hormones and chemicals into my body while I was using it to grow our little miracles. So I lent on Mr Becca for support and used the skills I’d learned from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to stay on top of it. It worked. Some of the time.
After the twins were born, I struggled with breastfeeding and mum guilt (when you’ve got two crying babies and have to choose which one to comfort first, there’s a lot of mum guilt), and I was worried that I was heading towards postnatal depression. Luckily, I had Mr Becca and my mum. Between them, they got me through the difficult newborn stage and, for a while, I felt OK. Good, even. But that didn’t last. The bad days started happening more often and I recently accepted that I needed help.
I’ve been taking Sertraline for about 4 weeks now. I’m still having bad days, like today, but I do feel a bit more stable than before. Maybe it’s just a case of giving it more time, or maybe I need a different dose or a different medication altogether. Or maybe this is as good as it gets for me. I hope not.
When I woke up this morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to close my eyes and wait for tomorrow and hope that it would be a better day than today. But I have, not one, but two toddlers, so that wasn’t an option for me. Jack and Alice aren’t old enough to understand that I’m having a bad day. They’re definitely not old enough to look after themselves while I wallow in my bed, feeling sorry for myself.
On days like this, it’s really hard to be the kind of mum I want to be. I don’t want them to see me being sad and I definitely don’t want them to see me being anxious. I worry that my anxiety will somehow “rub off” on them and they’ll grow up like me. Or that they’ll grow up feeling like they missed out on something because of my mental health. I worry about everything. Especially on bad days.
So being a mum with depression and anxiety is a constant balancing act. It means I have to wear a mask all the time and pretend that I’m OK when I’m not, when I’ve always thought it was best to be honest about how I was feeling and not hide for the sake of others. But that’s what mums do, isn’t it? There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for the sake of my children. Which means I got up today. I got up and I played with the twins. I sang songs and danced around the living room to cartoon theme tunes. I built towers with blocks and read the same three books about 50 times a piece. Even though I didn’t feel like it. Because that’s what mums do.
I find writing therapeutic. My thoughts don’t always make sense in my anxious brain, but writing them down helps to process them. Today is not a good mental health day for me. But I got through it. For my kids. Because of my kids. And maybe a little bit because of writing this. What do you do to get through bad days? I’d love for you to get in touch and tell me!
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a Mum. I suffered with anxiety after my son was born and I still have days when I am exhausted and don’t always feel like bouncing around entertaining a crazy 11 month old but I’m glad I have him to get me up and going because it always makes me feel better in the end!
Thank you! xx
Such an honest post. I think being a mum with depression and anxiety must be one of the hardest balancing acts in the world. I think it’s important to be kind to yourself and keep writing….it’s an amazing form of therapy x
Writing really is so therapeutic. Thank you for your kind words x
We need more people like you putting posts like this out there. It sounds like despite how you are feeling you are doing an amazing job. After my third baby I suffered with pnd quite badly. I assumed that after a while it would go and I’d be ‘fixed’
Unfortunately I wasn’t, since then I’ve battled depression and anxiety on and off. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones because I have more good days than bad and the bad are becoming more and more infrequent but we really need to get it out there more so people know that they’re not alone and that suffering with anxiety and depression doesn’t make you a failure x
Thank you for such a kind comment! I agree that we need to be more open and honest about mental health, but it can be so hard to put yourself out there xx
It sounds like you’re doing a good job as a mum. It must be very hard being a mum with anxiety to two toddlers but I’m in awe of how you get through it. It’s also great you’re able to recognise when you need help x
Thank you xx
So much to say. You are so brave for sharing this with us, also you are doing such an amazing job by being there for your twins while struggling. I thank God that you have support, although they will never really understand what you go through. I am also glad that you have found something that is therapeutic for you. I hope you find more and more ways to go out of the depression and anxiety. Wishing you happiness and rest of mind in all you do xx
Thank you so much, that’s really lovely of you x
It sounds like despite everything you are doing an amazing job! I suffered from anxiety and mild post natal depression after my first baby was born, and found it really hard to ask for help so hats off to you!
Thank you xx
my mum is severely mentally ill and I totally understand your bad days because of her. Don’t look too far into the future, my mum will always say “that’s then, let’s just talk about now”.
Xx
That’s really good advice, thank you xxx
Such an honest and brave post to write.
It’s a hard bloody slog this motherhood role! And you sound like you are doing an amazing job although you probably feel differently. I hope today is a good day 🙂 x
Thank you so much ? today is an okdsy so far! x
I can so relate to this. I am taking sertraline for pnd and anxiety and the Mum guilt used to have such a negative effect on my mental health too. I’ve been taking anti depressants for nearly 6 months now and I’d definitely say they take a good few weeks to kick in. I hope you have been feeling a little better since you wrote this post xx
I’m having good days and bad days, but I’m doing ok! I hope you are too x
Such an honest and relatable post. I hope that you are feeling a bit better today. It is hard to show people that we are struggling. We try to hide it so much, and presume that it is not normal to feel tired, sad or overwhelmed. It is totally normal, especially when we have such busy lives. x
Thank you ? I’m feeling good today, thank you ?
I know this is an old blog but I stumbled across it looking for some guidance and support. I have two daughters. Freya is 3 and Anabella is 6 months. I struggle every day with depression and anxiety and try desperately to hold it all together for my girls. I have little to no support as both of my parents have passed so I feel very alone some times. Reading your post has helped me feel better. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not the only one out there that struggles to make it out of bed in the morning and spend most of the day longing to go back to it. I feel exhausted and burnt out all the time. I hope people read this honest post and it helps them feel less alone as well. Thank you 😘
I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to reply. 2019 wasn’t very kind to me and I’ve neglected my blog for too long! I’m glad my post was helpful to you and I hope that you’re doing OK xx