Word of the Week – Happiness

Happiness

If you told me 10 months ago that Happiness would ever be my word of the week, I would have laughed at you. 2019 was not a good year for me. I struggled with my mental health, my marriage ended, I became a single mum… I could go on, but happiness is my word of the week this week and nothing in that list makes me happy.

2020 has been much kinder to me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much has changed. But I’m definitely happier.

(If you want to read last week’s post, you can find it here)

I found my independence

When my marriage fell apart, the thing that worried me most was how I was going to cope as a single mum of twins. The fact that I was more worried about that than I was about the end of my relationship was the thing that later made me realise I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was.

After the twins were born, I went from earning a full-time wage to earning nothing at all. I was completely financially dependant on my husband. That did not make me happy, but I didn’t have a choice. Childcare for twins is expensive, going back to work wasn’t an option. We were lucky that ex-Mr Becca was able to support us while I was a full-time stay at home mum. But even though I loved being at home with the twins, and I was grateful that we weren’t struggling financially so that I could do that, I didn’t love the loss of financial independence. I didn’t realise at the time just how badly it was affecting my mental health and my relationship.

When my ex moved out, I had to reevaluate everything. Obviously, he pays maintenance for the twins and he would never let them go without if I wasn’t managing. But I want to manage on my own. I want that independence. So I had to start increasing my income and working out my own budget in order to stay on top of everything and keep the bills paid. I have access to my own money for the first time in years and having that independence really does mean a lot to me. It’s not a lot of money, but it’s my money and I have complete control of my finances.

I discovered that I could manage on my own. Being a single mum is tough, but I can do it. I’m fine. My kids are fine. Life goes on.

I found a new income stream

On top of trying to build my business as a Consultant for The 1:1 Diet, I’ve continued to build the income I get from my blog and I’ve taken on a couple more self-employed jobs that I mostly do online, sitting on my sofa, while the kids beg me for snacks. It’s not easy. Working from home with two 4 year olds is tough. But it’s worth it.

All the things I worried about not being able to afford on my own – I’m finding ways to pay for them. That, right there, is happiness. I’m finding ways to support myself and my children and I’m learning to value myself again. I am so proud of what I’ve achieved so far.

I fell in love

And I really didn’t expect to. My friends will remember that I was convinced that I would never meet anyone else. After all, I’m in my 30s, with two preschoolers, and carrying a bit more weight than I would like. I have mental health issues, low income, no real “career” and low self-esteem (can you tell? I think I’m pretty good at hiding it…).

And then I met Muscles

My relationship with Muscles is completely different to anything I’ve ever had before. He is sweet and kind. He listens to me when I talk and actually seems interested. We laugh together. He’s amazing with the twins and understands that they have to be my priority, because his little girl is his priority, too. He helps me do things that I previously would have had to do on my own.

I’m not saying my ex didn’t do those things, but the dynamic is just different. Maybe because it’s the second time around for both of us and we’re both more aware of what we want/need from a relationship. Maybe because we don’t live together, so we appreciate the time we spend together more. Or maybe it’s because I have my independence this time. Whatever it is, it’s just different. It’s nice.

Lockdown put the brakes on a bit, but the support bubbles thing has changed all that, which definitely makes me happy.

Fresh start

I used to think that I’d never be happy again. But now I’m looking forward to a fresh start and this week has been full of happiness for me. More importantly, I feel like next week will be full of happiness too.

This post has been added to Raisie Bay’s Word of the Week linky. If you want to see how other bloggers have summed up their week, you should check it out.